Four Foundational Principles To Make Your Marriage Last
Ephesians 5:21-33
Introduction
Elderly woman died. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
* Not all of us but most of us end up getting married.
– As much as marriage is under attack – People continue to get married.
** God intended marriage be a life-long Covenant
- We’re not doing well
* Marriage on difficult times
- Divorce high
- Not here to condemn you if you have experienced divorce - it’s painful* I Believe that any couple can have a good marriage.
- not easy but possible
You can have a good marriage. – marriage that not only lasts a lifetime but is rewarding and fun and that brings a sense of peace and joy to your life.
Illustrate:
If you want your marriage to last, you’ve got to know and practice the foundational principles of marriage.
Honour Christ by submitting to each other. You wives must submit to your husbands' leadership in the same way you submit to the Lord. And you husbands, show the same kind of love to your wives as Christ showed to the Church when he died for her, So again I say, a man must love his wife as a part of himself; and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband-obeying, praising, and honouring him. (Eph. 5:21-22; 25; 33 TLB)
* Paul gives specific instructions for Husbands and Wives – but principles to a large degree apply to both.
- ie. Never tells wives to love their husbands - but sure they should
Never tells husbands to submit to their wives - but loving her sacrificially is a form of submission.* I want to unfold the general principles of marriage found in this passage.
I. The Principle Of Mutual Submission 5:21-22
1. Mutual Submission
Submission ? - Word we don’t hear often today
- usually in negative context
- uncomfortable submitting to anyone or anything.
** BUT – But Bible is saying "If you want your marriage to last
*What this really means is: "YOUR SPOUSE FIRST AND YOU SECOND."* It means Humbling Yourself
- not very difficult to understand
- You commit yourself to meeting the needs of your husband or wife, before you meet your own.
- How that works out in everyday life will be different for every couple.
Illustrate: E.V. Hills Wife
* I WANT TO BE FIRST" I WANT IT MY WAY"
-THAT’S A MARRIAGE KILLER* Marriage Is About Giving Up Your Rights For Your Partner
* It Means Putting Your Mate First
- when you put the needs of your spouse ahead of your own it does something. It makes a deposit in their emotional bank account.
- It creates trust and appreciation in that person. And those are marriage builders.
II. The Principle Of Commitment 5:28-31
1. The Proclamation Of Commitment
Vows Of Commitment - Rick:
"will you have this woman to be your wedded wife, to live together after God’s ordinance in the Holy estate of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep you only unto her so long as you both shall live?"
- I said, "I, Rick, take you Wendy, to be my lawful wedded wife, I will love you and honour you as Christ loves and honours His church, to guide and direct our home according to God’s Holy Word, having Christ as the true head of our home."
Wendy; She looked at me and said:
"I, Wendy, take you Rick, to be my lawful wedded husband, for where you go, I will go, and where you live, I will live, your people will be my people and your God my God; Where you die, will I die and there will I be buried."* We Proclaimed Our Commitment To Each Other
- Two became one flesh
For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." (Matt. 19:5)
So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body,* of His flesh and of His bones. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." Eph. 5:28-31
2. The Practice Of Commitment
* One thing to stand at the altar and make a commitment – but trick is to live by it day by day.
* Without Daily Practice Of Commitment, Your Marriage Will Not Last- 1st 3 years really rough – Getting out is not an option.
Illustrate: Wendy and I decided there were three options
1. Get Divorced (Not really an option)
2. Live The Rest of Our Lives In Misery
3. Work On Our Commitment To Each Other and work it out.
– No Brainer – only option three is a good one.
Illustrate: Late 90's Sylvester Stallone and Janice Dickinson were planning on marrying.
- He wanted give her $ 1 million a year for each year they were married and $ 250,000 walk-around money (WAM) and they would renegotiate after 5 years.
- She held out for $ 2 million a year, and $ 1 million a year WAM and $ 1 million for having his child - who was born 3 months before their proposed wedding date.
– Wedding never did occur - He dumped her when found out he was not the father of the child.
* Commitment Is A Choice You Make Everyday- That’s why in marriage ceremony we pledge "for better or for worse."
*Marriage Is A Covenant Not A Contract- No matter what happens we are saying "I’m making the choice to stick with you."
– You may be getting the ‘worse’ instead of the ‘better’ but that’s the promise you made.* A Lot Of People Have A Conditional Approach To Marriage
- "as long as I’m in love with you" Or "As long as it’s to my benefit"
** LET ME TELL YOU A SECRET
- You’re not always going to be "in love." There will be times you’re angry with your spouse, times they are anything but attractive, times when you question whether or not you made the right decision in marrying them, times when the grass looks greener on the other side of the hill.
GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE --WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!
- that "in love" feeling is an emotion which comes and goes and changes like the weather.*Base your marriage not on emotions but on your commitment.
Illustrate: Young couple married a few days. Setting up housekeeping. Husbands wakes up says, "You know sweetheart, it's funny but I don’t feel married. She says, "Well honey, today you need to get your emotions in line with reality."
* Is Your Marriage Based On Commitment Or Feelings?* Only A Lifelong Commitment Will Make Your Marriage Last.
III. The Principle Of Love 5:25-26; Titus 2:4
1. A Love That Cherishes vs 29,33
* Men – Love Your Wife Like Christ Loves The Church - Sacrificially - self giving for wife Undeserved - love not because she deserves it.
- Many quit sacrificing because they don’t think spouse worth it. Unlimited – no limit on self-sacrifice Act of the Will - Not an option, it’s a decision
** Love does not do what it wants but what is needed.
– When Was The Last Time You Sacrificed For Your Wife.
that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, (Titus 2:4)
– Wife to Love Her Husband
* Cherish – "To Soften Or Warm With Body Heat"
Illustrate: Wendy - cold - snuggle to stay warm "Snuggle me"
– Security and protection
– Tenderness
2. A Love That Respects vs 33
IV. The Principle Of Leadership 5:25
1. Sacrificial Leadership
"Everything rises or falls on leadership."
* Men ought to take leadership in the home.
- Not ‘lord’ of the home but Spiritual & Sacrificial Leadership
2. Servant Leadership
Jesus - not lord it over everyone. Instead – gave His life away so that sinners who wanted to be right with God could do so. Used His power and authority to benefit us. This is Servant Leadership
– This is what Husband is to display to his wife.
- His responsibility not wife’s to create the environment of love and support that benefits his wife, builds the relationship and makes the marriage last.* In 9 Out of 10 Marriages – Husband Is The Key
- show me a marriage where the husband is the servant leader – I’ll show you a marriage that’s strong and lasting. — Show me one where the husband does not take the lead in building that relationship and I’ll show you marriage that is on or will be on thin ice.* Men – are you taking the lead in your marriage? Are you serving your wife? Or have you checked out?
V. Five Things To Do To Create A Lasting Marriage
1. Be Friends And Have Fun Together
- Don’t stop dating and courting. ( $ 4.95 card brings a month of peace)
A friend loves at all times (Proverbs 17:17 NIV)
Illustrate: One of things Wendy and I do together is play games.
- Gives us excuse to sit down and have little fun and talk. – Time is good for me - helps me remember how much I like the woman I married. She’s a pretty neat person.
- Got to watch it though – We’re both pretty competitive — She gets mad & calls me names.* If you want your marriage to last – work on the friendship
- find a way to connect.
2. Maintain Relational Integrity
- Have common sense in relationships with opposite sex
* marriage will be threatened if you expose yourself to anything that might create a desire for someone who is not your spouse..
– Emotional - sexual - physical adultery.
– Attraction to others — but if you play with that desire you’re asking for trouble.
And rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress? (Prov. 5:18-20)
– If you’re being attracted – break the relationship - change your job etc. Deal with it.
3. Develop A Strong Marriage Work Ethic
*Marriage Takes Hard Work - lots of it. If we don’t develop a work ethic for relationships, especially our marriage, we will be blindsided by the realities of marriage.* Research = # 1 cause of divorces today is the failure to work on a marriage.
Work at getting along with each other and with God. (Heb. 12:14 - The Message)
* Open Discussion- Many hours Wendy and I spent in heated debate, arguing about something in our relationship – trying to come to some agreement. It’s no fun, a lot of times it hurts, but it’s part of the work you have to do.Reading And Learning - books, tapes - marriage enrichment retreats etc.
4. Develop Supportive Relationships With Other Couples
All married people need to find others whose marriage they respect
- learn from those who have lasted
– (Looking into Marriage Coaches)
5. Seek Counselling When You Need It
Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. (Eccl. 4:9-10)
* Good Counselling And Bad Counselling- What blueprint is the Counsellor using
- Go to one that’s working from God’s blueprint.
* Go for counselling sooner rather than later.
- many times people who come to me are already past point of no return
- don’t be too proud to ask for help.
Conclusion
In the "Peanuts" comic strip Charlie Brown tells Linus, "My grandpa and grandma have been married for 50 years." Linus says, "They’re lucky aren’t they." But Charlie Brown responds saying, "Grandma says it isn’t luck—it’s skill."
How seriously do you take your wedding vows?
What do you need to do to strengthen your marriage? The question we face is not really "how to" but "do you."
Do you take this man (or women) to have and to hold from this day forth, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health so long as you both shall live?
* Almost 33 yrs ago I said, "I Do"
5-10-15, 25 yrs ago your answer was "I do".
* After these almost 33 yrs. I say, "I still do."
My hope is that 5, 10, 15, 25 yrs from now you’ll be able to say "I Still Do."
Four Foundational Principles To Make Your Marriage Last
Ephesians 5:21-33
Introduction
Elderly woman died . Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
* Not all of us but most of us end up getting married.
– As much as marriage is under attack – People continue to get married.
** God intended marriage be a life long Covenant
- We’re not doing well
* Marriage on difficult times
- Divorce high
- Not here to condemn you if you have experienced divorce - it’s painful* I Believe that any couple can have a good marriage.
- not easy but possible
You can have a good marriage. – marriage that not only lasts a life time but is rewarding and fun and that brings a sense of peace and joy to your life.
Illustrate:
If you want your marriage to last, you’ve got to know and practice the foundational principles of marriage.
Honour Christ by submitting to each other. You wives must submit to your husbands' leadership in the same way you submit to the Lord. And you husbands, show the same kind of love to your wives as Christ showed to the Church when he died for her, So again I say, a man must love his wife as a part of himself; and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband-obeying, praising, and honouring him. (Eph. 5:21-22; 25; 33 TLB)
* Paul gives specific instructions for Husbands and Wives – but principles to large degree apply to both.
- ie. Never tells wives to love their husbands - but sure they should
Never tells husbands to submit to their wives - but loving her sacrificially is a form of submission.* I want to unfold the general principles of marriage found in this passage.
I. The Principle Of Mutual Submission 5:21-22
1. Mutual Submission
Submission ? - Word we don’t hear often today
- usually in negative context
- uncomfortable submitting to anyone or anything.
** BUT – But Bible is saying "If you want your marriage to last
*What this really means is: "YOUR SPOUSE FIRST AND YOU SECOND."* It means Humbling Yourself
- not very difficult to understand
- You commit yourself to meeting the needs of your husband or wife, before you meet your own.
- How that works out in everyday life will be different for every couple.
Illustate: E.V. Hills Wife
* I WANT TO BE FIRST" I WANT IT MY WAY"
-THAT’S A MARRIAGE KILLER* Marriage Is About Giving Up Your Rights For Your Partner
* It Means Putting Your Mate First
- when you put the needs of your spouse ahead of your own it does something. It makes a deposit in their emotional bank account.
- It creates trust and appreciation in that person. And those are marriage builders.
II. The Principle Of Commitment 5:28-31
1. The Proclamation Of Commitment
Vows Of Commitment - Rick:
"will you have this woman to be your wedded wife, to live together after God’s ordinance in the Holy estate of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep you only unto her so long as you both shall live?"
- I said, "I, Rick, take you Wendy, to be my lawful wedded wife, I will love you and honour you as Christ loves and honours His church, to guide and direct our home according to God’s Holy Word, having Christ as the true head of our home."
Wendy; She looked at me and said:
"I, Wendy, take you Rick, to be my lawful wedded husband, for where you go, I will go, and where you live, I will live, your people will be my people and your God my God; Where you die, will I die and there will I be buried."* We Proclaimed Our Commitment To Each Other
- Two became one flesh
For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." (Matt. 19:5)
So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body,* of His flesh and of His bones. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." Eph. 5:28-31
2. The Practice Of Commitment
* One thing to stand at the altar and make a commitment – but trick is to live by it day by day.
* Without Daily Practice Of Commitment, Your Marriage Will Not Last- 1st 3 years really rough – Getting out is not an option.
Illustrate: Wendy and I decided there were three options
1. Get Divorced (not really an option)
2. Live The Rest of Our Lives In Misery
3. Work On Our Commitment To Each Other and work it out.
– No Brainer – only option three is a good one.
Illustrate: Late 90's Sylvester Stallone and Janice Dickinson were planning on marrying.
- He wanted give her $ 1 million a year for each year they were married and $ 250,000 walk-around money (WAM) and they would renegotiate after 5 years.
- She held out for $ 2 million a year, and $ 1 million a year WAM and $ 1 million for having his child - who was born 3 months before their proposed wedding date.
– Wedding never did occur - He dumped her when found out he was not the father of the child.
* Commitment Is A Choice You Make Every Day- That’s why in marriage ceremony we pledge "for better or for worse."
*Marriage Is A Covenant Not A Contract- No matter what happens we are saying "I’m making the choice to stick with you."
– You may be getting the ‘worse’ instead of the ‘better’ but that’s the promise you made.* A Lot Of People Have A Conditional Approach To Marriage
- "as long as I’m in love with you" Or "As long as it’s to my benefit"
** LET ME TELL YOU A SECRET
- You’re not always going to be "in love." There will be times you’re angry with your spouse, times they are anything but attractive, times when you question whether or not you made the right decision in marrying them, times when the grass looks greener on the other side of the hill.
GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE --WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!
- that "in love" feeling is an emotion that comes and goes and changes like the weather.*Base your marriage not on emotions but on your commitment.
Illustrate: Young couple married a few days. Setting up housekeeping. Husbands wakes up says, "You know sweetheart, its funny but I don’t feel married. She says, "Well honey, today you need to get your emotions in line with reality."
* Is Your Marriage Based On Commitment Or Feelings?* Only A Life Long Commitment Will Make Your Marriage Last.
III. The Principle Of Love 5:25-26; Titus 2:4
1. A Love That Cherishes vs 29,33
* Men – Love Your Wife Like Christ Loves The Church Sacrificially - self giving for wife Undeserved - love not because she deserves it.
- Many quite sacrificing because they don’t think spouse worth it. Unlimited – no limit on self-sacrifice Act of the Will - Not an option, it’s a decision
** Love does not do what it wants but what is needed.
– When Was The Last Time You Sacrificed For Your Wife.
that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, (Titus 2:4)
– Wife to Love Her Husband
* Cherish – "To Soften Or Warm With Body Heat"
Illustrate: Wendy - cold - snuggle to stay warm "Snuggle me"
– Security and protection
– Tenderness
2. A Love That Respects vs 33
IV. The Principle Of Leadership 5:25
1. Sacrificial Leadership
"Everything rises or falls on leadership."
* Men ought to take leadership in the home.
- Not ‘lord’ of the home but Spiritual & Sacrificial Leadership
2. Servant Leadership
Jesus - not lord it over everyone. Instead – gave His life away so that sinners who wanted to be right with God could do so. Used His power and authority to benefit us. This is Servant Leadership
– This is what Husband is to display to his wife.
- His responsibility not wife’s to create the environment of love and support that benefits his wife, builds the relationship and makes the marriage last.* In 9 Out of 10 Marriages – Husband Is The Key
- show me a marriage where the husband is the servant leader – I’ll show you a marriage that’s strong and lasting. — Show me one where the husband does not take the lead in building that relationship and I’ll show you marriage that is on or will be on thin ice.* Men – are you taking the lead in your marriage? Are you serving your wife? Or have you checked out?
V. Five Things To Do To Create A Lasting Marriage
1. Be Friends And Have Fun Together
- Don’t stop dating and courting. ( $ 4.95 card brings a month of peace)
A friend loves at all times ( Proverbs 17:17 NIV)
Illustrate: One of things Wendy and I do together is play games.
- Gives us excuse to sit down and have little fun and talk. – Time is good for me - helps me remember how much I like the woman I married. She’s a pretty neat person.
- Got to watch it though – We’re both pretty competitive — She gets mad & calls me names.* If you want your marriage to last – work on the friendship
- find a way to connect.
2. Maintain Relational Integrity
- Have common sense in relationships with opposite sex
* marriage will be threatened if you expose yourself to anything that might create a desire for someone who is not your spouse..
– Emotional - sexual - physical adultery.
– Attraction to others — but if you play with that desire you’re asking for trouble.
And rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress? (Prov. 5:18-20)
– If you’re being attracted – break the relationship - change your job etc. Deal with it.
3. Develop A Strong Marriage Work Ethic
*Marriage Takes Hard Work - lots of it. If we don’t develop a work ethic for relationships, especially our marriage, we will be blind sided by the realities of marriage.* Research = # 1 cause of divorces today is the failure to work on a marriage.
Work at getting along with each other and with God. (Heb. 12:14 - The Message)
* Open Discussion- Many hours Wendy and I spent in heated debate, arguing about something in our relationship – trying to come to some agreement. It’s no fun, a lot of times it hurts, but it’s part of the work you have to do. Reading and Learning - books, tapes - marriage enrichment retreats etc.
4. Develop Supportive Relationships With Other Couples
All married people need to find others whose marriage they respect
- learn from those who have lasted
– (Looking into Marriage Coaches)
5. Seek Counselling When You Need It
Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. (Eccl. 4:9-10)
* Good Counselling And Bad Counselling- What blueprint is the Counsellor using
- Go to one that’s working from God’s blueprint.
* Go for counselling sooner rather than later.
- many times people who come to me are already past point of no return
- don’t be too proud to ask for help.
Conclusion
In the "Peanuts" comic strip Charlie Brown tells Linus, "My grandpa and grandma have been married for 50 years." Linus says, "They’re lucky aren’t they." But Charlie Brown responds saying, "Grandma says it isn’t luck—it’s skill."
How seriously do you take your wedding vows?
What do you need to do to strengthen your marriage? The question we face is not really "how to" but "do you."
Do you take this man (or women) to have and to hold from this day forth, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health so long as you both shall live?
* Almost 33 yrs ago I said, "I Do"
5-10-15, 25 yrs ago you answer was "I do".
* After these almost 33 yrs. I say, "I still do."
My hope is that 5, 10, 15, 25 yrs from now you’ll be able to say "I Still Do."
